Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

Desperation

-Fragrance by Social Media

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.

My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.