Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.

“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup

Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

I need better friends

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

[job interview for psychic]

INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME: Well played.

I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo