Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

*Adorns new baby with:

Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*

They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

blocked.

My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”

for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

Stages of a quick trip to Costco:

1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.

My time has come.