Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?

Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

Watermelon Boss!

I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.

I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.