70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
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I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My neck, my back, my…
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.