I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
You Might Also Like
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”