Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

a New Yorker reject, for you

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.

After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.

Peter Parker Peter Driver

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.

Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

*Hears sound in the middle of the night*

Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.

Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂