Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

Thaw me like one of your french fries

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

Had a spot of bother earlier.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?

Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

*wakes up from 20 year coma*

SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI

My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.

Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.

Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind

I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

dude it’s called proctologist

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

4: When can I wear 13 shirts?

Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes

Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:

Him: The best part of my day was-

Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?

Him: Watching TV.

Me: Oh, ok.

Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!

Me: yeah???

Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad

1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated

I would give up shouting at trees for you.