70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
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Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.