70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
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AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
🤔😂😂
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.