Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:

Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?

Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time

*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”

“Omg. Where is he now???”

“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.