Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought 3 bottles of fancy wine to take to my parent’s house tomorrow so anyway long story short we are bringing 1 bottle of fancy wine to my parent’s house tomorrow

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.

Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed

Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”