Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?

me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.