“70% of the people don’t know how to use the superlative degree in English”

That’s the most stupidest thing that I’ve ever heard.

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[Evan]: This new hair product is the best
[Brad]: Yeah. Check out Jack still using mousse
[Jack]: *with Bullwinkle on his head* Shut up guys


she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy


You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.


*drops off box to Salvation Army*

“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”

*peels out*


Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.


me: wHaT iS It DocToR

dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people

me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS

dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS


Podiatrists don’t use metric.

They only deal with feet.


me: i have test anxiety

classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers

jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D


When dating, I only have 3 dates to get a woman hooked on me because thats how many nice shirts i have.