Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
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The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..