70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
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Nose so runny it just signed me up for a 10k
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail