Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
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Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*