70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
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My Indian name is dances without coordination.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Life cycle of cat
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit