70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
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I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.