Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re never alone. Theres mold

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

when dads have a rap battle

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.

I can’t unsee it now

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.

Already got one

*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!