Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.

Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”

Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

Me when I hear gossip

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.