Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast

‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.

My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them

I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

Every
Single
Year

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out