Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

stages of eating a banana:

– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian*

*wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”