7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
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[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
due date
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
A double negative is a big no-no.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.