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good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Cake!!
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Noah was an idiot.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.