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Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
HELP 😭
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes