Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

[ from bed ]

*accio coffee*

damnit it didn’t work again

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…

What’s your superpower?

Spiderman: ummm, parkour.

Put a ring on it

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs

Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us

[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?

[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

My safe word is now just a dry cough.