Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

haha same

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

Thinking about that one comedy anime gag that always seemed to show up in the 2000s, I never knew what that was called