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One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Chicago sounds lovely.
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Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.