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Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
this will hang in the louvre one day
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
marriage is sneezing 3 times in a row and then hearing someone in the next room yell “JESUS CHRIST”
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this