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If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
May have had one breakfast too many
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women