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Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I need this for my side hustle.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.