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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.