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I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.