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christening a ship with an overripe banana
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson