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My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Ummm 😳
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.