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cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here