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Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.