You Might Also Like
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’