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Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I visited one of those so-called “wind farms” recently. Virtually no wind being produced. If anything, it was using up the wind that was already there. Complete waste of time.
My dog learned how to text
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
