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878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME