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You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
We’ve all been there
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…