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lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Terribly Tuesday.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”