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my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.