You Might Also Like
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water