70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
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Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
All right then, keep your secrets
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
imagine getting destroyed like this
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.