Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch

My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

Actual text from 17 y/o son:

kin u com bi nd swoop me?

I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

[watching Disney movie]

Daughter: this movie is dumb.

Me: why?

Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.

Me: yeah lol.

Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.

Me: smart-wait what?

On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.

You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*

*mumbles*

MIDWIFE crisis!

(…sorry.)

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too