Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

Him: What dat mouf do?

Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

Sorry I couldn’t come. I was on the way, but then I realised I’d forgotten my earphones, so I had to go back home and put my Chritsmas tree up.

“Mmmm Brians”

– a dyslexic or gay zombie

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

her: [texts something funny]

me: [types hahahaha]

me: [stares at it]

me: [deletes one ha]

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say