Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

Dance like you’re not the father

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

doing your own taxes

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

[Dinner date]

I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl

“You mean tomgirl?”

Don’t talk with your mouth full.

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect