Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What fresh hell is this?

Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

“i really need a vacation”
-your friend who’s been on 10+ trips this year

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

The point of your 20s

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years