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ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
When you’re here for the treats.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop