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[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.