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ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat