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Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
imagine getting destroyed like this
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
There’s never enough good news
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*