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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.