You Might Also Like
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Stop being racist to kettles.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”