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director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?