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DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.