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BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”