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I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I have a black belt in leather
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..