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Only Americans understand
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
english majors be like furthermore
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The fall of Netflix
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
technically true but not a great slogan
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.