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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
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If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.