72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither