72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Happy weekend !
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There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.