72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Hello Twits.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”