Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

ME: *watching a meteor shower

METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.

ME: A Boba Fete.

HER: You’re not invited.

(invention of the crib)

put that baby in jail

I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.

Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.

ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

I’m not positive,

but I think when you say you’re “over” something,

YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

Chewbacca before you swallowbacca