72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
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Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Noah
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
ouch
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.