72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
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There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
multitasking lunch
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Easy enough.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*