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I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
The cheapest way to fly is off the handle
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg