You Might Also Like
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Interviewer: “so what would you bring to our firm that others may not offer?”
Me: *seductively slides a kazoo across the desk
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes