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Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
This is the one
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
when you are just born a rebel
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids