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“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*