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I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen