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*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
It really annoys me when people use the wrong word and don’t have the humidity to admit it
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
