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INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.