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HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
what
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL