You Might Also Like
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
My god she’s good.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.