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How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*