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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
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I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Happy Star Wars day!
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who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”